“What if authenticity isn’t ‘being true to myself’ but responding truthfully to this moment, without clinging to who I think I am?”

Sit with that for a second. Let it melt on your cognitive tongue.

Because if we take that seriously and I mean really take it seriously, then most of what we call “authenticity” starts looking less like radical truth and more like identity cosplay.

THE SPIRITUAL MICROWAVE OF COACHING CULTURE

I live in Singapore. Home of heat, hawker stalls, and hyper-performance. I coach here and virtually. I supervise here and virtually. And occasionally, I watch coaches try to “authentically align with their purpose” while also burning out trying to monetise their soul.

It’s been a trip.

We live in a world where authenticity is sold like a lifestyle supplement. Where people put “raw, real, and radically themselves” in their bios… and then proceed to mirror-market whatever the algorithm wants that week.

I’ve done it too.

I once posted a “real-time reflection” on emotional courage while ignoring 17 unread WhatsApp messages from clients I ghosted because I didn’t know how to say, “I’m overwhelmed.”

Was that authentic? Sure. In the way that a wax fruit is technically an apple.

ENTER: BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGY AND THE DEATH OF THE SELF

I should tell you: I’m Catholic.

A deeply imperfect one. I don’t quote scripture fluently. I miss Mass sometimes. I wrestle with theology like a toddler with a rubik cube.

So yes, there’s some irony in me writing about Buddhist psychology. But if anything, that tension is what makes this reflection matter.

Both traditions, in their poetic ways, have whispered the same thing to me over and over:

You are not the centre. You are not in control. You are not who you think you are.

So when I borrow from Anatta, the Buddhist teaching of ‘no fixed self’, I do so not as a tourist, but as someone who recognises that truth lives in many places. And sometimes, the clearest mirror comes from a tradition not of your own.

Now breathe.

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable.

In Buddhist psychology, there’s a foundational concept called Anatta, translated as “no self” or “non-self.”

It suggests that there is no solid, unchanging essence inside you. No fixed identity. No little monk in the cockpit of your mind running the show.

Just thoughts. Sensations. Beliefs. Scripts. Stories. Memories. Reactions. All arising. All fading. All changing.

So when you say, “I’m being true to myself,”

• who’s that really?

The anxious child trying to be liked?

The rebellious teen who hates being told what to do?

The ambitious founder on LinkedIn?

The regulated coach in front of a client?

Or just today’s cocktail of impulses with a dose of your personality name tag?

CASE STUDY: WHEN YOUR ‘SELF’ CHANGES MID-ZOOM

One of my clients (consent sought), let’s call her P is a leadership coach and startup whisperer. Also spiritual AF.

During one supervision, she said, “I just want to show up as my highest best self in every session.”

By minute 8 in zoom, she was fuming about a client who “ghosted her after she opened up about her own journey with chronic fatigue.”

“I was real,” she said. “I was so honest. That was me being fully authentic.”

Was it? Or was it her Inner Martyr blending with her Inner Salesperson attempting to secure relational loyalty?

In Buddhist terms, she was clinging. Clinging to the version of herself she wanted the client to validate.

And when that validation didn’t come, her authenticity mutated into resentment.

Ouch.

That’s not failure. That’s awareness knocking.

YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE

What if the core problem isn’t that we’re inauthentic… But that we’re too attached to our identity as something solid?

Let’s break it:

• You’re not always the kind person.
• You’re not always the grounded coach.
• You’re not always the strategic consultant.
• You’re not always the conscious parent.

Sometimes you’re a judgmental mess in a meeting.

Sometimes you’re an imposter in a gorgeous blazer.

Sometimes you’re the wise one. Other times, you’re the wound in disguise.

Authenticity, in this frame, isn’t about expressing your “true self.” Because there’s no permanent one to express.

It’s about noticing what’s arising now and responding with awareness, without grasping.

Presence, is not performance.

THE SYSTEMIC IMPACT OF FIXED IDENTITY

Now let’s widen the lens slightly. This isn’t just personal; it’s relational. It’s systemic.

When leaders cling to a fixed identity (e.g., “I’m the visionary,” “I’m the servant-leader”), they start gaslighting complexity.

They dismiss contradiction. They resist feedback that threatens the myth. They become emotionally allergic to repair.

Because if I am the inclusive leader, then your lived experience of exclusion must be wrong.

That’s not authenticity. That’s identity addiction.

SUPERVISION AS A PLACE TO UNTANGLE IDENTITY

This is why supervision matters more than ever.

Not just to “check the ICF/ AC/ EMCC boxes,” but to sit in the hot soup of your own shifting self.

In supervision, I ask:

• Who is the ‘you’ that showed up in that session?
• What were they trying to protect?
• What part of you needed to be seen and by whom?

Because once you see the pattern, you get a choice. Not to be less “you”. But to stop gripping so tightly to the version of you that isn’t real anymore.

A NOTE ON BRANDING AND BURNOUT

I supervise a lot of coach-entrepreneurs. Especially those in the visibility vortex.

They build a personal brand. Then they confuse the brand with their being.

And then, they burn out trying to maintain a curated “authenticity” that never allows them to be messy, uncertain or wrong.

So they disappear. Quietly. While their followers wonder where the next truth-bomb post went.

You don’t owe the internet your identity. You owe yourself the grace to evolve.

REFLECTION: IF THERE’S NO SELF, THEN WHAT?

Let’s land this in practice:

Ask yourself before you post, lead, respond, or react:

1. What am I clinging to in this moment?
2. Who do I need to be right now to feel safe?
3. What truth is emerging, not to be expressed but to be witnessed?
4. Am I defending an identity or responding to life?

This is where the gold is.

Not in more “authenticity.” But with less attachment.

THE AUTHENTICITY THAT REQUIRES NOTHING

You are not your brand. You are not your coaching style. You are not your trauma or triumph.

You are breath, awareness and response.

That is enough.

And if that version of you scares people, good.

It means you’re not playing the old identity game. It means you’re evolving.

So next time you want to be your “true self,” try this instead:

“I will be with whatever arises, and meet it with grace, presence and just enough humour to not take myself too seriously.”

Because if you’re going to lose your self… At least laugh while doing it.