A reflection on whether our experiences elevate us or pull us under and why the answer isn’t what you think.

Last week, I sat across from a senior executive who had just been passed over for a promotion she’d worked toward for three years. Her words stayed with me: “I keep asking myself: am I growing from all this struggle, or am I just… sinking?”

It’s a question that haunts many of us, especially in our professional lives. We’re told that every setback is a setup for a comeback, that resilience is a choice, that we can turn any experience into growth. But if you’ve ever found yourself working harder than ever while feeling like you’re spiralling downward, you know it’s not that simple.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Life’s Lessons

Here’s what coaching leaders have taught me: The same experience can either elevate you to new heights or pull you into a downward spiral. The difference isn’t in the experience itself – it’s in something far more complex.

I’ve watched two people go through nearly identical layoffs. One emerged six months later with a thriving consultancy and renewed purpose. The other struggled with confidence issues for years, second-guessing every career move. Same experience. Completely different outcomes.

The traditional narrative tells us it’s about mindset, grit, or positive thinking. But that’s not the whole story. That’s not even the most important part of the story.

When “Trying Harder” Makes Things Worse

If you’ve ever felt like you’re trying harder than ever but still sinking, you’re not broken. You’re human.

Our experiences don’t immediately elevate us because we’re not ready for the lesson they’re trying to teach. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, not growth mode. Sometimes we’re processing trauma, not transformation.

I remember working with a brilliant marketing director who kept pushing herself to “learn and grow” from a toxic work environment. The harder she tried to extract lessons and stay positive, the more depleted she became. It wasn’t until she gave herself permission to simply survive: to acknowledge that some experiences are meant to be endured, not optimised – that she began to heal.

The paradox war: Sometimes the most growth-oriented thing you can do is stop trying to grow from everything.

The Real Differentiator: Your Relationship with the Experience

What separates those who are elevated by their experiences from those who are diminished by them isn’t resilience, intelligence, or even opportunity. It’s something more nuanced: the quality of their relationship with their own story.

Those who transform adversity into advantage share three characteristics:

They practice radical ownership without toxic responsibility. They own their response to what happens without taking responsibility for everything that happens. There’s a crucial difference between “I can influence my experience” and “Everything that happens to me is my fault.”

They have what I call “strategic vulnerability.” They’re selective about when and with whom they process their experiences. They don’t overshare in professional settings but they also don’t try to heal in isolation. They understand that transformation requires witnesses, trusted coaches, mentors, or communities that can help them reframe their narrative.

They honour their own timeline. They don’t force themselves to extract lessons on demand. They understand that some experiences need to marinate before they reveal their gifts. They give themselves permission to be works in progress.

The Spiral Isn’t Always Downward

Here’s something that might shift your perspective: What feels like spiralling downward might actually be spiralling inward.

In nature, growth often requires a period of apparent dormancy. Trees pull their energy inward during winter not because they’re failing, but because they’re preparing for spring. Some of our most challenging periods aren’t evidence that we’re sinking – they’re evidence that we’re composting old versions of ourselves to make room for who we’re becoming.

The executive I mentioned earlier? Six months after our conversation, she told me something profound:

“I realised I wasn’t sinking. I was diving deep to find parts of myself I’d never accessed before. The depth was necessary for the height I eventually reached.”

A Different Question for Different Results

Instead of asking, “Is this experience elevating me or bringing me down?” try asking:

“What is this experience asking of me right now?”

“Am I in a season of growth or a season of integration?”

“What support do I need to be in the right relationship with this challenge?”

“How can I honour where I am while staying open to where I’m going?”

The Professional Implications

In our careers, this translates to powerful shifts:

From immediate optimisation to strategic patience. Not every difficult boss, failed project, or career setback needs to be immediately transformed into a learning opportunity. Sometimes the lesson is simply learning to navigate the difficulty with grace.

From individual resilience to community strength. The most successful leaders I work with have robust support systems – coaches, peer groups, mentors, and trusted advisors who help them process and integrate their experiences.

From linear growth to spiral development. Career advancement isn’t always upward.

Sometimes we need to go sideways, backwards, or inward to access the next level of our potential.

Your Story Is Still Being Written

If you’re in a season where life feels more like a weight than a teacher, please know this:

Your experience is valid. Your struggle is real. And your story is still being written.

The question isn’t whether your experiences are elevating you or bringing you down. The question is whether you’re in the right relationship with your own becoming.

Sometimes we rise. Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we spiral inward to find treasures we never knew we had. All of it – every single bit of it- is part of the magnificent, messy, entirely human journey of becoming who we’re meant to be.

The experiences that challenge us most aren’t punishments. They’re invitations. The question is: Are you ready to RSVP?

What has your life experience taught you? I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments below.

If this resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear it today. And if you’re navigating a challenging season, remember: You’re not alone in this.